Coffee and Blogs no. 13

This week was whirlwindy.  Last weekend was spent in Chicago, celebrating my kick-ass marathoning sister and hanging with my family.  I got home on Monday for a quick celebration of Milo's birthday, and then the rest of the week has been a little off- late bedtimes, random evening obligations, routines gone to hell.  Real talk: I haven't spent enough time with Ben and I'm feeling it.  Today is full of errands and cleaning, but tomorrow we're headed off for some one-on-one time in Salem.  I'm really looking forward to it.

Even through all this craziness, I've been stockpiling some links to share.  We had a humidity wave all week and THIS MORNING IS COOL AGAIN.  Get your quilt and coffee ready.

I'm going to lead with Ebola, because there's no way you're sick of this yet.  Another blogger shared this link, which I found strangely comforting.  It also inspired me to get my flu shot and go to the gym.  Is this a silver lining to what I still find to be a scary and intriguing health story, even if my personal risk is very low?

Amanda is cute, all the time, and I want a mustard cardigan, stat.

Kate Baer (of the Ebola article share) writes a lot that I relate to about the struggle to reconcile religion with our current adult beliefs and values.  Her son is starting to ask questions.  I hope I have to courage to teach Milo and Elliott how to be good people and believe in things that are larger than them without tapping into any particular doctrine.  Kate's answers are my starting point.

I've been lazily wishing for a book club for most of my adult life, especially lately when I was gifted some awesome books at my birthday. I've been toying with the idea of an online book club, but I can't tell if it would be too tedious to share our thoughts in comments?  I'd love to know what you think!  These women nixed the problem of reading a long book by creating an articles club.  Bonus in this post- they share the list of articles they've read and discussed, some of which look really interesting.

This is a bummer, I'm not going to lie.  We all grew up spouting rhymes about 1492 and accepting at least partial credit for our awesome American country belongs to Christopher Columbus.  This comic from The Oatmeal reveals a lot of ugly things about a terrible man and his terrible legacy.  It's truly atrocious that he has a federal holiday.  I was worried that info in the comic was one-sided, since I'm not a scholar of Columbus or the early Americas, but the quotes pulled directly from his diary entries and letters were enough to turn me off to Columbus.  This is a petition to change the holiday.  I've signed.

42 Ways To Make Sure People Like and Respect You.  Take even a handful of these to work with you and become instantly more awesome.

I love Kerri at Your Wishcake.  She writes about caring for her daughter, keeping her creative process fresh, and running her little home with thrift and style.  I especially love her honesty about the things her family goes without, a bit of a rarity in the mommy/lifestyle blogging world.  Her article about things she's quit made me think.  No cable?

I'm getting super into my monthly horoscope and following astrological events.  On the lighter side of that cool craziness, here is a handy guide to determine which Halloween candy is appropriate for your sign.  Libras are so eager to please that we lose our king-size bars to keep everyone happy, womp womp.

I've been writing about friendship (confessing my checkered past and picking the people you spend time with), so this article about courting your friends was quite timely.  One of my goals in my 29th year will definitely be about cultivating friendships.  Still open to tips and stories!

Ben has been the unsung hero of a lot of my fun lately.  He watched the boys all weekend while I was off in Chicago, has been putting the boys to bed so I can dash to the gym as soon as he's home, put together more Ikea furniture than is fair for our new office (pictures to come!), and encouraged me to take my sister up on her offer of a dinner cruise tonight.  I am the luckiest.  Here are some of my favorite posts signing the praises of Mr. Swicker: My Film Maker, My Funny Valentine (my favorite memory of dating Ben), Ben is a Rad Dad

What did I miss?  Send me your lovely links!  Enjoy your weekend!

The People You Spend Time With

Last week I started musing about adult friendships and how powerful they can be.  I also admitted that I have my share of failures when it comes to be being a good friend.  I'm writing as an exercise, and as a call for help, and to see if all the bits and pieces make sense when I lay them out.  What is a good friend?  Will I ever be one? (Fair warning: I'm reading Lena Dunham's book right now, so I feel particularly compelled to be brutally honest and mildly melodramatic, despite the comfort level others might feel.  Also, if you are a woman, (or a human), read it.)

What makes a good friend?  Good is a cheap, nothing word.  It's so basic that I challenge my first graders to come up with a better descriptor in their little chicken scratch sentences.  Still, it seems like the natural adjective to sit right in front: good.  Solid, salt of the earth, uncomplicated.  A good friend.  Does this mean a fun friend, or a loyal friend?  Is it the friend who brings you coffee the day after you get yelled at by a mean customer, or the friend who tells you calmly that the tongue-lashing was justified and offers to help you sharpen up your skills?  Maybe it's just the safe feeling you get from certain people.

I also know there are a small handful of people with whom it's zero work.  Our souls just naturally match, and we can go months without talking, then click back into sharing information about our break ups and bowel movements with no chit chat.  We just get in there.  Then there are people who stand out because of matched interests or a similar style, and we find each other and can't help being friends and people say "Oh that makes sense."  There are other people where the friendship seems more earned; built up from shared time, exchanged favors, and mutual respect.  The second two groups are the people who effect our day to day.  The soul friends usually just effect our souls.

Think about your every day life and evaluate the people you spend time with. There are lots of platitudes about your personality being a combination of the five people you spend the most time with, and that's because its a real thing.  I remember, in the early days of dating my bold and opinionated husband, saying blunt or even offensive things to friends who had known me longer.  A few particularly stunned reactions later, I began to realize that I wasn't talking like myself.  Ben's language and personality were perfect for him; layered and understood by the people who knew him best.  Those qualities didn't translate the same way for me, and I wasn't emulating him on purpose.  It was happened from a combination of adoration and exposure.  It can be eerily easy to slip into someone else's mannerisms when you're putting in the hours.  The lesson is two-fold: be careful to hang on to "yourself," no matter who you're spending time with.  Conversely, because you'll never be able to completely guard your personality: pick people to spend time with that you won't mind acting like.

Another thing to keep in mind, when you're sorting through the people who meld with your soul and the people who might influence your tone, is that friend does not meet same.  It took me a scary amount of time to realize I could dislike something a friend did and not need to end it all dramatically.  Small differences (an offhand comment criticizing something I liked, for instance) could make me fold my arms and announce that I didn't want to play anymore.  But since I'm not that mature, I would actually just think that and then stop returning calls.  I think a real grown ass woman or man should be able to sort through things and realize which discrepancies can be handled.  Maybe you can't handle a friend who makes racist comments, but you need to be okay with the friend who is backing a different candidate for governor.  Or maybe your friend hates New Girl and you need to be brave enough to a) keep loving the show and b) forgive your friend for bad taste.  Because it's not middle school, your friends are no longer required to like every single thing you like.  You're grown now, so you get it.

In summation: realize the different kinds of friends there are and be cool with the differences, check out the people you spend most of your time with and make sure you're okay with sounding like them, and don't expect middle school friendships from grown ass people.  Everybody can play.

Next week I'm going to look at the actual living of a good friendship, things to do, places to go, ways to connect with the fabulous people who lift you up, even when you're busy and stressed (spoiler alert: everyone, all the time).  As always, tips and stories are welcome.  Thanks for being my friend!

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Best Friends and Other Secret Weapons

My confidence and peace about who I am right now is my superpower, and a great deal of that is due to my friends.  I want to talk about how huge it is to find these magical unicorn friends who lift you up and know your body language from across the room and have your coffee order memorized, but I'm struggling with how to express just how incredible these relationships are.  I finally realized what was holding me back, and I have a confession to make.  I feel really icky about this, but here it is: for a long time, I've been a bad friend.

If I look back over my formative years, I notice patterns in my relationships that I'm not proud of.  I've been friendly with people all my life, but I've retained few true friends, even from high school and college, and I chalk most of that up to selfish behavior.  I was fickle and lazy. I would seek out fun and spend time with friends who were having a good time.  I liked hanging out in large groups. and didn't really get close to anyone.  I've had friends with whom I'd grow super close, then let the entire relationship go without putting up much fight.  I've made the mistake of taking advantage of people who would take care of me.  I've made the mistake of choosing so-so boyfriends over great ladies who loved me.  I've struggled to be there for friends who were having a hard time.  I've flaked out.  A lot.

I doubt I'm the only person who has regrets about the way they've treated people on their way through life, and even though it makes me squeamish to remember some of my misadventures, they're a part of my story and a part of my truth.  I often wonder how exactly to discuss with friends the unspoken reality that I was bad to them and I am sorry.  I don't have that answer yet.  Still, I want to fess up to these less-than-stellar behaviors to remind you that people screw up, and people can change. Right now, I'm becoming a better friend because I have good friends, and I'm unconsciously mirroring their behaviors.  I'm growing because people haven't given up on me.  It's easy to assume that friendships are easy, and think they might be "toxic" if they're not, but I disagree.  Another thing I've learned in the last decade is that nothing worth having is easy.  You have to work for it all.

For the first time in my life, I'm truly appreciating the handful of devoted friends who have stuck by me for the long haul (THANK YOU!), and forming healthy relationships with people I've met in the last few years. There aren't any easy bullet points on how to do this, but I have a few ideas.  I think it has something to do with choosing the right people to spend time with, using your voice for good, being there when a friend needs you, and feeling comfortable enough to ask for help.  There's no secret formula.  

I want to explore these ideas in a series of posts about adult friendships.  I'm not an expert, but I can share my stories, and I'd love to hear yours, too.  Right now, the friendships I have in my life are a huge source of comfort and strength, and I wish the same community for all the ladies who are doing the hard work of unapologetically finding and being themselves.  It helps to have people at your back.  

What are your biggest struggles around making and maintaining great friendships?  Any tips for being a fabulous friend?  Want to brag about your amazing bestie? Please leave a comment or shoot me an e-mail.  Having awesome lady friends (or friends of any gender) can be a secret weapon.  Let's celebrate that together.

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