Conflicting Messages I Have Received as a Female

This isn't to say that any of these messages are good or bad by definition, but just to point out that they are all coming at us pretty much constantly. I am a person who attaches myself quite strongly to the last reasonable thing I've heard or discovered, which is a mentally dangerous way to live in this information age. Realizing the volume of the directives that we are bombarded with is the first step in sifting through all this information and seeing what needs to be discarded, what needs to be considered, and what needs to be become our truth. 

How do we sort through it all? If you have any ideas, please tell me. I hope none of the tips contradict each other, my head might explode.

Here is an incomplete list of conflicting messages I have received as a female:

BE GOOD (starts the earliest, is the loudest, has no clear definition)

Be subversive

Dress for the season

Dress for your comfort

Dress for the job you want

Dress for the social occasion 

Be kind

Speak your mind

Say what you mean

Be a proud giver of zero fucks

Think about how your words will effect others 

Be strong

Be sweet

Stay soft

Eat the damn cupcake

Treat your body like a temple

Eat good foods that make you feel good

Try to be better than you were before

You are already enough

Try harder

Forgive yourself

Your family comes first

You come first

Working moms have it harder

Stay-at-home moms have it harder

Women can have it all

"Having it all" is impossible

Share everything about yourself

Share a little bit about yourself (no TMI, please)

Share nothing about yourself

Fat is beautiful

Fat is disgusting

Fat is normal

Fat is always unhealthy

Fat is sometimes unhealthy

Be proud of your fat

Get rid of your fat

You are gross

You are a goddess

Buy these things to simplify your life

Throw out these things to simplify your life

Let the house be dirty, enjoy your family

A clean house is a sign of an organized mind

Spend more time with your girlfriends

Spend more time with your husband

Spend more time with your children

Spend more time alone

Make your family proud

Make your community proud

Don't do things to make other people happy

Sexuality is fluid

Sexuality is rigid 

Sexuality should be destigmatized

Sexuality should not be discussed

Be more spiritual

Be more logical

Trust something bigger

Trust in yourself

Listen more

Pare down your influences

Look around

Look inward

Down with the patriarchy 

Feminism is man-hating

Men are worthless

Women are worthless

The world is full of serious problems

The world is fine, calm down

Chill out

Get mad 

Be yourself (?????)

WTF. Anything I missed?

*A note: these are just messages I've picked up on as a white, middle class lady. My privilege protects me from the more pointed and negative missives that people of color, people who live in poverty, and people in other marginalized groups have to deal with on a daily basis, which is an entire other cluster of terrible.

You're Doing It Right: Throwing Social Media Rules Out the Window

I remember the first time I saw an article about all the annoying ways that people use Facebook.  It was published on one of the magazine sites for young women that I look up to (I'm not sure if it was HelloGiggles or xoJane) and written in a sharp, witty style that I appreciate.  Everything about it was great except it was snotty as hell and it gave me this sinking feeling while I read it.  There were lots of specifics about the things you should NEVER do (share ultrasound pictures, share food pictures, be political, be offensive) and more things that you should do sparingly (thank your significant other for...anything, complain about your life, brag about your life, tag anyone...ever).  Basically, the article stated, you should be using Facebook for the occasional hilarious deadpan comment and INFREQUENT pictures of your life, as long as they are visually pleasing without being too much.

Oh my god, my face was burning when I set down my phone.  I do all of those things.  Every single one of them.  I'm a millennial and I'm supposed to be getting this RIGHT and the article informed me that I was being stupid, trashy, loud, inappropriate, and idiotic on social media, which of course means I'm doing that in real life.  There was lots of hate for selfies, too, so I knew that I was vain and brash and probably ugly and insecure, which is the only reason why someone would need to take a picture of themselves looking good, anyway.

Soon after, I began seeking out social media rules.  I noticed how often "real bloggers" were posting content vs. how much "regular" people put up pictures on Instagram.  I read a sound bite (it might have even been a tweet) from someone twenty-something and cool stating that no one should post to Twitter more than 4 times a day, and that number became a law in my impressionable brain.  I would "over post" on some days and then feel bad for spamming my followers with too many pictures of my life.  I would deeply analyze everything I wanted to post on Facebook and think about how different people would react.  I saw a lot more articles with titles like "10 Facebook Statuses That Need to Stop" and parodies of Instagram use and Twitter obsession.  I felt that using and enjoying social media was embarrassing, and I didn't want to quit, so I was stuck in this circle of feeling shame and insecurity over something that made me genuinely happy.

It was during a scan of yet another social-media bashing article that I started to think maybe I wasn't in the wrong.  For one thing, I actually LIKE seeing people's food and hearing about the ups and downs of their day.  I love when people do those daily thankfulness updates or list their blessings. Photo-a-day challenges on Instagram are like a cool reverse scavenger hunt.  And while half the articles/political rants on the internet bother me, the other half are truly interesting.  Sometimes, I learn shit. So while I was trying really hard not to break these rules, I was hoping that everyone else would keep breaking them, because I liked all that jumble and mess.  More importantly, I understood that it wasn't all directed at me.  I enjoyed combing through to find the good stuff.  The internet is not custom suited to my exact style; to expect that would be ridiculous.

The thing about social media is it belongs to everyone.  Grandmas are live-tweeting the Oscars, your pastor is posting memes to Facebook, and every 14-year-old has given up all the stuff I even understand for new, cool things that will be deader than dead by the time I sign up for an account.  By this logic, there should be as many different styles of  using social media as there are ways to be a person.  In real life, some people will all but hide the fact that they're having surgery and some people will be updating you from the operating table.  Neither person is wrong.  In real life, some people will show you 100 pictures of their cats/living room remodel/new car, while others leave you guessing if they have a family at home.  Neither person is wrong.  Some people are content to sit and observe the party happening around them, some people need to be making conversation, and some people want to stay home altogether.  Everyone is right, and all those perspectives are needed.

If something bothers you on social media, check in with yourself and figure out why.  If a Facebook session makes you feel icky, is it because certain people put you off?  You can hide their business from your news feed without actively unfriending them.  They'll never know.  Do it.  On Instagram and Twitter, it's harder to unfollow someone without them finding out, but notice how on Facebook it's called a friend and everywhere else, it's called a follower?  It's a little less personal to whittle down your feed in other social media platforms, so get rid of the people who annoy you or make you feel jealous or spew political views that turn your stomach.  Be your own lady.  Do what you want.

In the end, the only thing that matters is whether you're using social media in a way that makes you feel good  (and I know none of you lovelies feel good when you're bullying or trashing other people online, so I won't even go there).  Rid your social media platforms of all accounts that don't build you up, and feel free to post whatever you want to, knowing that if anyone has the slightest issue with anything you put into the world, they are free to stop looking.  Whether you use social media in tiny doses or give your followers a blow-by-blow of your entire day, if it feels right and you're enjoying yourself, you're golden.  So take the selfie, post the picture of your lunch, or share your true feelings about the latest Marvel movie.  All parts of your life (technology included) are part of the canvas you're given to show off who you are.  Be you.

What is you social media preference?  Are you a big sharer or do you watch from the wings?  Do you understand Snapchat, because I'm confused.

image credit here, text added by me