Friday, January 17, 2014

January 16, 2014

I have a feeling that even when I'm old, I'll still remember last night when a pretty song came on Pandora at the end of dinner and I got up and started twirling around the kitchen like a loon.  Both boys were laughing so much and Milo started begging to get down and I cut him loose from his booster seat, sure he was going to run for his cars, and he started twirling right next to me, beaming, and then he put his arms up and said, "Me hold you, Mama.  Me hold you."  And I picked him up and we started twirling and he started saying "Me deence Mama, me deence," and he laid his head on my shoulder and put him arms around my neck and cooked rice was squishing under my feet and my heart was bursting.  Elliott watched all this and started whining so loudly and I thought, "You're not hungry, goof, you just ate," so I went over and he put his arms up, too.  I put Milo down to unstrap Elliott and Elliott was beaming, now, too, he just wanted in on the fun.  I held Elliott on my hip and he was grinning and Milo put his arms up, a bit demanding now, "ME HOLD YOU MA-MA!" so I scooped him up with my right arm and he held on like a monkey to help me and I was holding both boys and somehow that pretty song wasn't quite over yet and I was dancing in my kitchen with both my sons in my arms and they were belly laughing and smiling and letting their little head collapse against my chest.  It barely felt real.

The song was over and it was bath time and we jumbled into the tiny bathroom, like every night, stripping off clothes and showering the floor with little bits of dinner, Milo running sink water over one of his toys ("Wash!")  while I struggled to get Elliott out of his diaper.  I was sitting on the closed lid of the toilet with Elliott in my arms and suddenly burst into tears.  Milo couldn't hear me over the running water.  Elliott giggled with his back to me, and so I let myself have one minute of absolute heartbreak over how much I love these boys.  It is a love that breaks hearts.  It's a word I don't know.  It's 2 minutes of dancing in the kitchen blotting out weeks and months and years of exhaustion and mess. It's falling in love with the mess.  It's the sheer terror that anything, anything could happen.  Someone could decide (realize?) you don't deserve this heart busting love and it's so scary that so much of what you love about your life is going around, all day and all life, outside your body.  But you do it anyway.  You never had a choice.

The night went on, bath toys were played with and pajamas found and when Ben got home Elliott took a few steps for him, Milo brought him books to read.  It was a normal night with folded laundry and packed lunches and chatting with Ben about bills and our weekend plans before falling asleep.  But when I woke up again this morning, and slipped out of our bed full to bursting with little boys in footie pajamas, and watched Ben shift to pull the covers up to little chins, I realized I should write down that flash of feeling that real life only lets you get to once in a while.  The feeling of terrifying, overwhelming love.  The feeling of dancing with my sons in the kitchen.

4 comments:

  1. I don't know how this one doesn't have any comments but I am bawling. I love you so much and you have made such a beautiful family. Those little boys are pieces of you, literally pieces of your heart. And they are the happiest babies in the world because you are their mama. I love you SO much.

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    1. I love you, Emily! I can't wait to see you and snuggle you again soon.

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  2. I am bawling too......I went to school with your Mama and no only do you look like her, you are sweet like her too!!!

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    1. Thank you for the compliment! Mama is pretty great :)

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