This is not a library school post.

Last year, around this time, I started library school. All of my dreams were coming true at once, and I was so freaking optimistic. My kids were both in school full time. I had the job I had always dreamed of. I was in classes full of likeminded people. I was sure I had peaked- I felt weird guilt about how great every single part of my life was. Funnily enough, it wasn't the cakewalk I thought it would be. I overscheduled myself with grad classes and ended up having a really tough fall. I stopped all my medication and my mental health was a mess. I was out of touch with my family, and my marriage and relationships with my kids really suffered. And I stopped writing.

It wasn't useless hardship. I've come really far with self examination over the past year. Right around Christmas, when the shit was really hitting the fan, I set myself a group of goals, and they helped me prioritize my life. I pulled back on my classes and finished my first year as a Media Specialist. I got a great therapist and started taking a new medication that I never skip. I committed to communication, and I talk to husband and my kids a lot about things that bother me. I'm working really hard not to be defensive when they bring up the same to me. I'm still hard to live with at times. I still shut down when things get too real. I'm still scared to watch shows or movies that might make me feel emotions. But I'm working on it and I'm very happy in a real way- an earned way.

One really tough part of this past year is I completely stopped writing. My blog posts were just for library classes (sorry about that). I wrote very few Book Riot articles. And my fiction stories were completely abandoned. I dropped my writing group the second I got my new job, and I deeply regret it. There's no way I could have done them the justice they deserve on top of my courses and my scattered lifestyle anyway, but I miss them. I miss my friends and I miss reading each others' work and being deeply invested in the process of writing. I know I'll have it again, one day, and right now I'm trying to make that be enough.

This fall, I'm cautious and optimistic. We have a big huge calendar hanging in the kitchen, a shared Google calendar that we update religiously, and my personal planner- every detail of our lives is written down three times at a minimum. That helps. We have a weekly meeting where we talk about events and chores and every family member can bring up issues (Milo, day one: "I want to talk about how much you guys are on your phones." Ouch.) None of the classes I need are being offered this semester, so I'm taking a break, updating my paperwork with the Department of Education, and trying to be super organized so when classes pick back up, I won't fall to pieces.

I think all the time about what I know was the best year of my life so far: 2015. I had two kids that were so cute, a handsome husband who had just redone our back porch into a little writing oasis that made my heart soar. I had a job that I was good at, that I had been doing long enough that I no longer agonized over every single detail. I had friends I adored, and spent the fall being fawned over as I turned 30- shows, fancy hotel stays, luxurious meals, surprise parties. I ran a book club, blogged, wrote 500+ words of fiction a day, went to the gym regularly, tried new foods and beers all the time, and felt amazing. I felt amazing. 

On paper, my life is "better" now. We bought a bigger house. I got my dream job. My kids are older, out of diapers, in school all day with childcare significantly less difficult. It's all "better," but so, so much harder. And that annoys me. Why is it harder now? It's obvious. I leveled up. I can't have a cozy, lived in feeling in a house automatically- that shit takes work. I can't be an expert at a job in the first year- that shit takes work. I can't anticipate my kids' every need when they're in a completely new section of their development- that shit takes work. 2015 was so great because I had reached the ceiling for that part of my life. I'll think of it fondly for a long, long time. And now, back to work.

(Art via Pinterest by Camila Rosa- her work is absolutely amazing and you should buy some of it.)

Be Your Own Lady Fall Quarterly Update!

The last time I posted, summer was just beginning, and I was feeling really whiny about the future, and I was 31, and I was a first grade teacher. Pretty much the only thing that remains unchanged is that I'm still taking myself mega-seriously, and I've still got it in me to whine.  One morning this summer, I was out to breakfast and whining to a dear friend about how I couldn't "make it all work." I knew I needed to cut some things out to grow in other places, but I didn't want to give up on Be Your Own Lady. She gave me an idea of using this space to share quarterly updates, still talking books and activism and writing without feeling the pressure of regular posting. I loved the idea. I think I'll probably still post a year-end recap, and I'm going to be trying to facilitate more guest posting, but I'm sticking to four major check-ins throughout the year. It will still give me the diary-esque feel I'm going for, and keep me interacting with Be Your Own Lady until I have more time to decide where all this is going.

Work: At the end of the summer, I got a job as a Library Media Specialist at the elementary school I was already working at. I was petrified for three days, then elated, and now I'm still over the moon and also kind of tired. I'm taking graduate courses through Salem State to get my school library license, and I'm learning a lot, but it's really hard. I think it's the actually-trying-to-learn-something thing. It's exhausting. It's worth it, because I'm living a dream that I thought might take much longer to reach. So I'm eyeballs deep in digital literacy standards and Makerspace ideas and the Dewey Decimal system, which, for a book lover and librarian enthusiast, I am shockingly unfamiliar with. I am finally using the nameplate Ben made for me years ago. Ashlie Swicker: Librarian.

Writing: Over the summer, before I knew my fall would be quite so consuming, I also worked on making a site for my writing work, with the eventual goal of trying to get a few more freelance jobs. I'm really happy with how it came out, and look forward to adding more of my favorite pieces to the clips page. Check out ashlieswicker.com. The biggest sacrifice I've had to make is my writing group. We've been meeting monthly since last September, sharing insight and excerpts and it's been such an amazing experience to talk about stories and have an excuse to keep my word count up. We met as part of a writing class and enjoyed each other's company so much that we kept meeting afterwards. I adore these ladies and leaving sucks, but I haven't kept up a writing habit for a few hectic months, and I know it will be awhile until things are settled enough for me to dive back in. I miss my story, but also have been picking away at the same plot for three years, and I feel weird relief to step back. Interesting.

Here are my most recent articles for Book Riot:

5 YA Romances For When Real Life is Scary Enough

The Calm Before: Nine Picture Books That Celebrate Stormy Weather

Buy, Borrow, Bypass: Body Positive Memoirs (Read THIS IS JUST MY FACE! Do it!)

Don't Miss the Bus: 10 Picture Books for Back To School

Channeling Ms. Frizzle: I Got My Dream Job and I'm 

Dressing the Part

I'm struggling with not writing for them as often as I  should, not keeping up with new releases the way I'd like to, and not pursuing new freelance work the way I thought I'd be this fall. My library job is bigger and more important growth, so when am I being pouty about it taking up so much of my time?

Reading: I'm going to keep myself together and try not to cry right now- I'm having a TERRIBLE fall where reading is concerned. I have so many things I'm interested in reading, but I'm not working hard enough to set aside the time. I could blame it on the fact that I am truly busy, but I find the time to mindlessly scroll Twitter and Insta for countless hours, so there's no excuse. I'm not working out as much as I should to feel good, and my best reading happens when I'm on the elliptical, so there we are. STILL I have read a few things that I loved the crap out of, so here:

      

I'm also loving A Torch Against the Night by Sabaa Tahir on audio, when I get my act together and remember headphones to listen while I grocery shop, and I'm reading two library-adjacent titles for work (Resolve and Rescue and a book about Makerspaces).  I have some great books on deck, including the third in Libba Bray's Diviners series and some middle grade egalleys that I was praying I'd get approved for, then instantly forgot to download (EYEROLL AT MYSELF). Tell me what you're loving. Get me jealous enough to break this slump!

Blogging: I haven't been doing much but I've been reading some great things that soothe and inspire! Click through and be well (hopefully I'll get back to more focused Coffee and Blogs posts soon!)

What's Your Reading Personality? Quiz (I'm a Social Reader)

I Dressed Like My Skinny Best Friend for a Week 

Hymn: A Poem by Sherman Alexie  ("Alone, we are defenseless. Collected, we are sacred.")

4 Ways White Parents Can Support Black Parents in Times of Social Injustice 

What Are the Hallmarks of Your Best Self?

We Need to Talk About Digital Blackface in Reaction GIFs (Guilty.)

5 Ways to be a Good Friend  (Another thing I am constantly working on.)

Reading Pathways: Paula Danziger  (Best author of all authors.)

25 Famous Women on How To Be Productive 

I also check my horoscope every week/day at Astrostyle and monthly with Susan Miller. Chani Nicholas is another great resource.

Life: My lucky little life is trucking along. Now that we're all back to school I'm MUCH happier than I was in the unscheduled, unstructured summer. Milo is in kindergarten at the school I work in, and I'm liking being so near to him- I wasn't sure how that would go. Elliott is doing so well at PreK, reaching his goals and making friends and seeming more mature everyday. My mom and stepdad were living up here for the month of September, and my sister Laurel is getting married at the end of October, so we've been spending our weekends on family time and birthday celebrations. Ben shot a new movie in September and his last film is being shown in festivals all over. 

I always wish there was more time- to read, to sit around, to see friends, to travel- but I recognize this is a period of wild career growth and I need to buckle down. Each of the boys has a skill they're really working hard on and both are right on the cusp of new milestones. Ben's brainstorming some next steps that are really exciting. We're all strapping in to make it through the holidays without too much stress, and I'm so excited for what 2018 will bring.

That's all I have at the moment, but I would love to hear from you. Where are you in work, reading, writing, life? Do you have a horoscope site to suggest, because I'm currently obsessed! What is making you happy? DO SHARE, these kinds of updates are my favorite things to hear. So much love to each of you. 

(image credits: 1, 2, 3)

In Which My Planner Makes Me Face The Truth About My Schedule

Things I have learned about myself since I've started using a Passion Planner:

1. Mondays are my best day (so now I know I need to seriously frontload my week)

2. If I fall out of the habit of checking in nightly, I fall apart in a completely disproportionate manner.

3. When I take the time to add stickers and happy-making tape, I'm happier and feel more organized.

4. I have too many things going on.

5. I have too many things going on.

6. I have too many things going on.

There is nothing cute or brave or impressive about having too many things going on, especially when you struggle with time management like I do. And I seriously do. I've been living my life in such an oblivious way for SO long, but anyone who knows me realizes that I am never on time, I am always doing things last minute, my house has to be terrifically filthy before cleaning becomes a priority, and I have no way of measuring how long things will take me to complete. I am just learning how bad I am at this part of my life. 

I sat in an IEP meeting for my son yesterday and read pages of gorgeously written reports about the way his brain and body work. Comparing what he can do in a separate tiny room to what his teachers see in his classroom and what our family sees at home. He's smart and strange (the reports are peppered with weird things he said or did over the course of his testing, it's amazing) and struggling. Sitting in a room of professionals who know him well, we realized that he doesn't have the planning skills he needs to succeed. He knows a lot, but doesn't know where to start. And sometimes really simple tasks seem so hard that he gives up and throws an out-of-scale temper tantrum. It's supposed to be ridiculous behavior. And I sat there thinking, "Me too, sweetheart. Me too."

I'm loving using a Passion Planner because it calls for constant self-reflection, and one of the biggest truths it's showing me right now is that I am taking on too much and doing a lot of things poorly as a result. I'm not doing a good job of regularly blogging here, maintaining the book club, keeping up with my Book Riot duties, participating in my novel writing group, planning my sister's wedding festivities, running the school newspaper, and still being a good friend, a present mother, and holding down a full time teaching job. Writing down that list, I started getting the weird pride rush- Look at everything you're doing! This is the problem. It seems like a badge of honor. I have to remind myself that I'm doing very few of those things WELL. And most weeks, by Thursday, I am so overwhelmed that I shut down and pull the blankets over my head before it's even dark outside. I am not thriving.

Ways I'm pulling back:

1. I put out a call on social media last week for people to share their reviews of the March selections for Be Your Own Book Club, and from here on out, the book club will exist on social media, but not with official blog posts. 

2. I've taken a step back from my novel completely. I had been miserable when I didn't write and felt extremely stale and forced when I did. I get The Check In, a Tiny Letter for writers written by one of my favorite authors, Amy Spalding. A few weeks back I replied to her Tiny Letter, and she wrote back (which was a fangirl moment for sure). Her advice was to take a break, maybe even work on a different project, and try to actually miss your characters, So I've taken it out of my rotation, at least until my next excerpt is due to my group in June.

3. Posting will continue to be sporadic here. After The Lady Project Summit, I was really fired up to be more consistent and try to interact more, but I think it will have to remain my free-association journal and random confessional for awhile longer.

4. I'm publishing two more issues of the school newspaper, and then using the summer to decide if a school book club would be more beneficial to myself and the students in my school, or whether to revamp the way I run the newspaper for next year.

5. When I schedule exercise like an appointment, I pay attention, so I'm going to do the same for one-on-one time with my kids. It has to be as much of a deadline as my other work or the guilt of not hanging with them will crush me. It also has to fit within the limited lines of a daily time block- if the block is full of various other responsibilities, the family time won't happen.

Some things that won't change: 

1. I'll still be active on Instagram and Twitter (because I like it and I meet a lot of friends there) 

2. I'll be focusing more on my Book Riot duties (because it pays and has opened so many doors for me and because I'm so proud to be a part of it)

3. My sister's wedding year is still a huge priority for me (because she's my best friend and because it's really fun).

None of this is NEWS, per say. It's just me thinking out loud, because that's what I do best. It might be a nice reminder for you, if you're forgetting that you can constantly adjust or that you need to give yourself permission to do less. Anyone else feel like confessing? Are you taking on too much? What can you pull back from? What are your non-negotiables? I'd love to hear I'm not the only deluded one. 

*Passion Planner notes: I'm obsessed with this thing. I'll write more about it at a later date, but right now there are some great sales you can take advantage of. Through May 8th, the colorful undated planners are HALF OFF. If you enter XANDRA10 at check out, you'll get 10% off (I got this code from Heroine Training when I bought mine), and if you enter ashlieelizabeth@gmail.com as your referral email, I'll be forever grateful. All images in this post are from the gorgeous Passion Planner Instagram account. I am in no way affiliated with Passion Planner, just REALLY into them. 

What's Working in a Broken Time

There's a dumpster fire t-shirt that keeps popping up in my Facebook ads, and if I was more sure of the sizing, I'd buy it instantly. The dumpster is green with big white numbers: 2016. Indeed.

Honestly, this year is important. So important. We're living through some pretty terrifying history. We're being called to action in a way that I don't think has happened in recent memory. Although, I could be very wrong about that, because if I've learned anything in 2016, it's that I'm very ignorant. What I don't know could fill libraries of mythical proportion. I'm trying to catch up on 30 years of lost wisdom as quickly as I possibly can.

Good things happened this year, too. I'm going to spend some time before 2017 really looking over the year and putting things into perspective for myself. This article from Gala Darling has me thinking, but there are guidelines everywhere. Going back through 12 months of social media accounts can be incredibly eye opening. You might forget how you were feeling in March, but Facebook doesn't. Facebook never forgets. 

I have wanted to share some things that are working for me right now. None of them are life changing, but in a time where I am constantly vacillating between upset and numb, recognizing little positives is healthy. And fun. And maybe something can be helpful to you, which would mean that even though I AM currently Sadness from Inside Out, I am contributing to an upswing in someone's life, and that would be just lovely.

1. Syncing Google Calendars with my husband

Oh my GOD I am the lamest but...this has been huge. One thing I'm truly grateful for is that Ben and I both have hobbies that fulfill us and take up a lot of our time. Ben shot a movie this fall that required a bunch of production meetings and two very full weekends of round-the-clock commitment. I take a writing class every other weekend and meet up with friends as often as I can manage. We have two kids who like to go to birthday parties and pick apples and see Santa Claus and do all the Northeast US activities that finish off a year, not to mention doctors' appointments and parent teacher conferences and all that jazz. Basically, with four schedules to coordinate, we were constantly texting each other (because we are rarely home at the same time) "What's happening on the 14th?" or "What time do I need to take off next Thursday?" It was super annoying to get those questions, sometimes because "I ALREADY TOLD YOU" and sometimes because "I HAVE NO IDEA!" and the paper calendar was at home. On the wall. With the fish. The rest of us were out in the world.

So at some point in the fall my sister was watching the boys and we went on a romantic date and we sat down and synced our calendars. Oh Google, you siren. We have a Master Calendar and any time one of us enters an event, it automatically pops up on the other's calendar. We also both use Gmail, so if we get a confirmation of anything via email, the calendar asks us if we would like to add it. I bought plane tickets near Thanksgiving, and when I went to enter the info, my flight times AND FLIGHT NUMBERS were already in the calendar, waiting patiently for approval. So while synced calendars does nothing about my dread of what is going to happen to women's health rights in this new regime, it makes me on-the-level life so much easier, and oddly, I feel much more connected to Ben. We're synced. 

2. DATA

I'm not a numbers girl. I am a dreamer. Cold hard facts are shitty and wake up me to reality and I don't like knowing the truth. I like living in my head. This is why I need- and am starting to love- data. It started with Fitbit a few years ago. The facts about when I actually was getting in most of my steps surprised me (Working in an elementary school= tons of steps. Chasing toddlers= surprisingly, not as many steps!) and I became obsessed. When I upgraded to the Charge, I started getting my sleep data and guess what? I sleep a lot more than I thought I did. Who knew?  For a few years I've been very careful to track my reading in Goodreads. Sometimes I find that I read a lot more than I thought I had. Sometimes I find that my "diverse reading streak" includes only one author of color, and I have more work to do than I thought.  I got a new app that helps me track my period (It's Clue and it's cool). I guess I'm just sick of guessing. I like keeping track of things. At Thanksgiving, I lost my Fitbit charger, and I've gone without for about a month. I hate it. I like having metrics with which to track my days. I want to be free-spirited and intuitive, but I suck at knowing myself without external structure. Give me data.

3. Lists

I've only made about three lists in 2016. It's a practice I've strayed from, and it pisses me off. It's like drinking water, eating vegetables, getting lots of sleep. It's SO freaking good for you, and the contrarian in me loves to reject that which I know it healthy and pure. When I make a list, and I on fire.I have realistic plans for my time, I know what I expect of myself, and I know how to order my days to be productive. Why do I fight this so hard? Why does three extra minutes of scrolling through Twitter seem so much more lucrative? Lists work and I push them away so often, It's stupid.

I really love this list pad from Etsy. It sits on top of a teetering pile of planners that I've used for an average of 3 days each. But this pad is dateless, so you can pick it up and return to the land of planned at any time. And it has the things I actually need to do. It's a single page that gently promises me that I can have the kind of day I imagine, and that I don't need to do it again tomorrow unless I absolutely want to. Thanks, notepad. You get me.

Right now, living well isn't very sexy. It's being organized and managing family schedules and keeping track of things. But it's working- these are the little things that are working. I have BIG plans for 2017. I know I need to make some very big changes. List pads and Fitbits won't be enough to carry me on this trajectory much longer. But for now, it's checking boxes and making lists and gearing up for even greater things.  

(image via pinterest) 

brain dump 2.12.16

Things are hard right now. Not like world-ending, irreparable-damage hard. But life-changing hard. Everything about my family is changing right now, and it's hard.

I didn't realize how deep my head was in the sand. I wouldn't have said I was resistant to change until change reared up and my body is resisting. My heart is resisting. Even though everything is for the best, even though this is good change, even though the outcomes all make our family stronger and healthier and happier. It's hard. And I'm out of practice dealing with hard things.

The boys will start preschool in September, but for now, they are home with Ben. This is an amazing gift, something my soul had been begging for. Already, just a a few weeks into our new life, they are happier. I notice changes in behavior. I know we made the right choice. Amazing Ben spends the day playing with them, cleaning up the house, and then heads to work the second I am home for some night hours. The boys feel like they are on permanent vacation, celebrating having so much time with their favorite person, and the awkward stress that existed every day at daycare pick up is gone. I've been praying for this for months.

And yet. This means no breaks for either of us. Ben's little kid-free time in the morning, my little kid-free time in the evenings...gone. Being the sole provider for my kids' entertainment and education is a little daunting; the necessity of playdates is suddenly looming, huge. I feel more pressure to Do Something in the afternoon hours I have with them. I'm afraid they'll miss their friends, get weird about sharing, never potty train. These are first world, upper middle class problems, and I feel guilty even letting them worry me. "My KIDS might not get the same level of GERM EXPOSURE at home." I think I'm a little scared that all the cool things they know how to do were taught to them by someone else. I have taught them to enjoy books and jump when a text message notification goes off.  ("Mama! Your phone!") And that might be it.

I'm afraid I'll never write again, or feel healthy again, or stop whining. I had a routine and it was rad. Wake up early, write and tinker and read book reviews online. Go to work, scoop up the kids, have a little outing. Put them to bed, kiss Ben hello, and to the gym for a session of reading on a machine. Home by 9 to fall asleep on the couch. Start it all over again. The tiniest glitch in this plan is unraveling me. I am talking epic levels of drama over the fact that I now need to gym it in the morning and write at night. I've only managed it a few days, and by 7:30-8, when the kids are finally asleep the kitchen is passably clean and I've found something warm to sip (because I always write with a huge pot of coffee at my side) I don't FEEL like writing. Cheryl Strayed reminds us that no one cares if you FEEL like writing. If you have to do it, do it. Still, it took me a few years to fall solidly into the groove I had going, and I'm scared it will take me that long to get back into it.

Plus we're moving. We have a beautiful new kitchen with new appliances and a dishwasher for the first time in seven years and I can't stop getting weepy because I miss our old smudgy cabinets and shitty countertop. This new kitchen is very clean and very lovely and very sterile and it's not ours. It's not for us. It's the first step of distancing ourselves from this place where we've thrown BBQs and painted ceilings and brought home our babies and I cannot even believe that I am still struggling SO much with the concept of a new space.

This porch/office/bonus room, where I am sitting right now, is my favorite thing. I love this place as much as if it were a little church sewn onto the back of my house. We never talked about it this way, but I always felt like Ben built this for me. It was for us, ostensibly, but really, it was for me. I used to write balancing my laptop on a side table and pray no kid spilt formula on it, and my books were in the basement. Ben hired the people and got the loan and ordered the carpet and painted the walls and took me to Ikea to pick out a desk and built me the bookshelves and gave me my first office. Ever. And sitting here watching the sun come up in a quiet sleeping house while I drink coffee and make up worlds is my idea of heaven. It is most fantastic gift Ben has ever quietly given me.  And we have to leave.

I know why we have to leave. The kids don't have enough space. It's not fair to them. I can't spread my books and Funko pops and subversive postcards all over a huge chunk of the house but ask my children to sleep on crib mattresses for the rest of their childhood. I can't keep skipping buying big toys because there is no space for them. The boys deserve more room, and that's why we have to go. We will make another home charming and funky and wonderful. We will paint the cabinets smudgy green, if that's what it takes. Give the boys more space for their art supplies and rocket ships and make a reading nook for Milo and Elliott that is as wonderful as the little haven I have now.

I don't know how much of this emotion is because it's also finally winter, or because the tension of the last few months was compressing me and now I can finally feel things. I don't know if I'm hormonal because my birth control ran out or if I'm just dramatic (that goes without saying) and I'm giving into it right now. It's probably just that change is hard and I haven't had to change in awhile. I'm going to be fine. Writing everything out helped a ton.

Thanks for listening xo

Seven years later, Ashlie tries tumblr

Quick update from Be Your Own Lady! I've been woefully lacking in post frequency, because most of my life is out of my control, and, in a shocking turn of events, I'm in over my head with hobbies, work obligations, and family interaction. I still want to support this community of awesome ladies sharing awesome ideas, and so I'm going to use the Be Your Own Lady tumblr account to share content more frequently: quotes, images, articles worth reading, and short updates can be found at ashlieelizabeth.tumblr.com. I'll still come here to post Be Your Own Book Club info, full-length articles, and the occasional life update, but I just want another way to stay connected with this community that makes me proud to read, write, [learn to] listen, and speak up.  You can also follow my Insta and Twitter accounts to stay in the loop. (spoiler alert: the loop is drinking beer, reading books, and getting a kick out of my kids)

If you are reading this, you mean a lot to me. Thank you SO MUCH for following along while I continuously figure out what a doofus I am and practice pouring my heart out in less and less dramatic ways. Writing and interacting with you is what makes me shine, and I will dull it down for no one.

xo, Ashlie

at the moment no. 10

at the moment, I'm...

freezing and numb. Actually clutching the warm sides of a candle in a metal tin.  The heat is never on on the porch where our office is.  There's an electric baseboard heater, but I'm usually the only one out here, and the electricity prices just went way up.  So I bundle up, wear wool socks, and wrap my hands around cups of coffee and lit candles.  It's still my favorite place to be. This morning I spent too much time reading about the upcoming book releases in my favorite guilty pleasure series (SHADOWHUNTERS FTW) and didn't do as much writing as I wanted, but it was still time in the dark and quiet and it was just for me.  I'm so greedy about it.

losing weight.  But only technically.  I spent a good deal of money to be part of a 21-day-fix diet plan and I got a month's worth of Shakeology with it.  I like the idea behind all of this.  I use the protein shakes to keep from eating everything in sight when I'm starving after school and I still have to pack our lunches and make dinner. The 21-day fix gives you workouts (that hurt, and that's good) and portion controlled containers that train you to eat healthy.  I like that, too.  But this week I've felt restless and weird (winter blues?) and I'm only stayed on plan about half the time.  It was Elliott's birthday and I had cake. I went out with friends and had a beer and some wings.  I laughed enough that I think I might have negated the extra calories I ate.  I don't know.  I like myself so much that losing weight is not something I want desperately.  Maybe that's just an excuse.  I joined a weight loss challenge at work, too, and the pot is $560, so maybe my self-confidence can take a backseat for awhile.

stepping it up, ya hear? I've had my fitbit for awhile, but tons of my friends and family have also gotten one recently, and this adds a whole new layer to the way this tool helps me move.  There are challenges that you can participate in with your friends- most steps in a week, most steps in weekend, most steps in a day.  It is so damn motivating.  I love that my sister in Florida has one and we daily check in, chat on the challenge board, inspire each other.  I love that she works until 7 and then comes home and slaughters her step goal before bed.  I find it incredibly inspiring, and it also lets you creep on people's lives (omg, they just got 3,493 steps, where ARE they?  oh, the gym, that's annoyingly healthy and wonderful), and the competition pushes me.  I love my weird little fitbit tool, and now I'm lusting after the newest model with a heart rate monitor built in.  Plus, cute wristbands at Target.

maintaining my bookworm status. Last year I kept track of all the books I read in a list on the sidebar of the blog.  I read 29 books (one of which was actually a long ass serial fanfiction piece that I'm counting because I think it's much longer than any published novel and it's more well-written than half the published stuff I read) and some of them I never finished.  About a third of my reading was done in the last two months of the year, when I let go of any "intellectual" aspirations and let myself read young adult fiction like I was a 16-year-old with a crush.  I read a ton of Mary Higgins Clark when I was a preteen, so maybe I've overdue, you know?  

This year I've already read four books, many in one sitting by staying up way too late.  I want to branch out and read some stuff for adults (Anita Shreve, who wrote my favorite book I read in high school, The Red Tent, has a new book called Boston Girl) and reread some of my soul-crushing favorites (The Little House series, followed by the autobiographical Pioneer Girl, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, Anne of Green Gables)  I might be ready to reread a few books about death that I love and terrify me (The Lovely Bones and A Widow For One Year), and I have some good nonfiction queued up (#girlboss and somehow I've resisted reading Amy Poehler's Yes, Please.  I'm saving it like a good bottle of wine).  There is still plenty of YA I'm waiting for, particularly Hollow City.  I'm terrible at keeping up with my goodreads page, but here the link: BOOKS YO.  Recommend something to me!

I'm getting lost in all this book talk and there is breakfast and swimming lessons to think of.  Be my friend on fitbit.  Tell me the books you love.

(image credit)

at the moment no. 9

At the moment I'm...

..loving how dark it stays in the morning.  The sun rising later and later, and when we fall back the light will be completely different at 6:18, but for now, it feels cozy to be in the dark while I drink my coffee.  

..completing a Seven Day Clean Eating Challenge.  My friend Sarah is holding this challenge and makes it a lot easier by posting tons of encouragement and substitutions and simple workouts.  I was a little overwhelmed when I was grocery shopping, wondering if I'd keep the momentum of all the prep and cooking.  Day 1 is down and I'm feeling pretty good.  I didn't stop drinking my coffee (sorry, Sarah!) but I went to one cup instead of two and replaced the second one with water.  I eat clean about 70% of the time already. but this is helping me with portion control and removing the option of snack food binge at 9pm on the couch.  I'll let you know how it turns out!

..planning Milo's birthday party.  We're just going to have a little party at our house with cupcakes and pumpkin painting, then start a bonfire and have the rest of our friends come and join us.  Despite it's size, we usually end up having one big party at our house per year.  I need to start gathering up extra chairs and pricing folding tables.  And firewood.  And festive cocktails.  

..thinking a lot about short stories and novels.  I've been picking at a few different plot lines for a few years, writing silly little scenes and daydreaming about dramatic twists in the shower.  Ben and I recently decided we were going to pick one night a week and set time aside to write.  I would love to share some of my fiction on the blog (Fiction Fridays?) but I'm not sure if I think that's too goofy.  I am excited for a writing date with Ben.  I've loved reading his screenplays since college.

..scheming all the new things I want to add to my birthday list when I turn 29 next week.  I love my birthday lists, but the last one before I turn 30 should be mildly epic.  So far I know I'm adding "buy new bras" and "learn how to check out library books on my Kindle."  I need help spicing this up.

at the moment...no. 8

This picture was taken on the last day of school last week.  Right now its June 30th, and the perfect time to organize and evaluate before my only work-free month of the year!  At the moment I'm...

...celebrating.  On the last day of school, once all the kids are safely home and our classrooms are packed up, we have a big staff party at someone's house.  It's always a really fun time, but this year I arranged for a babysitter until Ben got home from work and a safe ride back to my house, so I really enjoyed myself.  Fast forward to a few days later and I was headed to the cape for a weekend of bachelorette fun for a close friend.  I've had so much uncharacteristic fun (out late, quite loud, cigars and shots, etc) and tried so many new summer drinks.  I'm loving Leinenkugel Lemon Berry Shandy, Shipyard Melonhead, and Newman's Lemonade with strawberry vodka, preferably mixed by Ben, my personal bartender.

...rededicating.  The one downside of all this nonstop partying is that my healthy living focus is pretty much scrapped.  The past week had us so far out of routine that I was eating all sorts of crazy snack foods and calling it meals, not tracking, and even sometimes not hitting my step goal.  It was worth it for a fun transition to summer, and I had a great time, so I'm not going to beat myself up.  I did, however, spend an hour or so last night making vegetable soup and chopping fruits for snacks...I'm ready to dive back into a healthy routine this week.

...adjusting.  It's the first full week of vacation and we have play dates and family outings planned every single day.  I have a loose schedule I'd like to follow about morning activities- trips to the library, crafts, working on words with both boys- but if someone wants to interact with us, that's always going to be the priority.  Two of our great summer traditions are taking place this week: the summer reunion with Cait and Vedder, and our yearly trip to Gloucester for the July 3rd Horribles Parade.  I'm practicing getting up and getting dressed without dragging out our mornings.  We're getting into the habit of taking a morning walk as a family.  We're getting into the summer spirit.

...overdue.  For a pedicure, for some time with Laurel, for a trip to Florida, for a reading update, for a major list session, and for a couple of other things.  If the boys nap this afternoon, I'm going to play secretary and get our family calendar/to do list organized for the month of July.  I'm so lucky to have a life so full.

What are you up to at the moment?  I'd love to hear!  These posts are inspired by Kerri from Your Wishcake, and I highly suggest you check her out.

at the moment no. 7

at the moment, I'm...

...relieved.  I turned in my final paper for my master's degree.  I gave a presentation and I bought my cap and gown in the bookstore, which is much fancier now than it was 7 years ago when I was an undergrad.  Thursday night I will walk across the stage and graduate in the same place for the second time.  At this point, I have a different last name and a little less naivete.  How do you spell that word?  I'm trying to say I'm less dumb this time.

...waiting for my nephew!  My sister Julianna is due any time now and I'm feeling that rush from the arrival of something that always felt like it was light years away.  I wish I could be there with her, to tell her in person that she's amazing because she created a human and bring her toast and eggs and make her sit and read Us Weekly while I give her a break and rock her son.  It's what was done for me, and I know it will get done for her.

...preparing for my Mama to come.  Tonight!  Of course, arrival of said baby could tweak our plans, but no harm will come of cleaning the horrendous bathroom and stocking up on groceries either way.  I am most looking forward to watching Frozen with her (I've been saying all week "We're going to watch Frozen with Mimi," so now when I even say her name, Milo yells "Snowman!"), talking, uninterrupted, on the drive to and from the airport, and hugging her after I accept my diploma.

...disciplined.  After my crazy meeting with a crazy dietitian last week, I started going into information overload about healthy eating. After so many health professionals were dismissive about calorie counting last week, I stopped tracking my food.  I didn't meant to do it forever, but after a week and without consciously changing what I ate, I gained back one of the pounds I'd lost.  I still don't know what the perfect plan is, but I'm going to keep tracking what I eat, even if the calorie number isn't the most important piece of information I have.  I'm thinking so seriously  about Weight Watchers, but before I pay to commit, I want to make sure I can keep to tracking on my free apps for at least a solid month.  Thanks, as always, for cheering me on.

...spoiled.  The past two Sundays Ben has taken the boys to his parents' house so I could have the day completely to myself.   Ben's parents surprised me with a really cool necklace with the definition of "hug" on the charm, and my mama sent me a Mother's Day card..  This week started the online self-love course that a dear friend invited me to take with her. Laurel surprised me with the perfect graduation gift (bookstore gift cards steal my heart every time). I've got love raining down on my from all sides, and I don't take it for granted.

*I borrowed the idea of at the moment posts from yourwishcake- her blog is a do not miss.

at the moment I'm... no. 6

...cozy.  I promised myself that I wouldn't go on and on about THE TIME CHANGE, BLARRGGG, but seriously, I am snuggled up with Milo tucked next to me and lots of blankets piled up on us and it seems like we could sit happily on this couch forever.  It's hard to get going at work in the morning, but I'll take it for the lighter afternoons.  We've already been on one family walk and more are in our future.  Ben comes home from work when it's just getting dark.  Everyone is sick of snow and ready for spring, which is a huge charm of living here; the weather changes drastically 4 times a year and we're always ready for the new.

...studious.  As much as I try to downplay the classes I'm taking and not allow them to take up a ton of space in my schedule, I do have weekly homework and readings and I have to pay attention.  One week of thinking I could bang out homework day-of during my lunch break showed me that I was fooling myself and looking like a fool in the process.  Monday night I set up my laptop in the kitchen after the boys were in bed and spent two hours e-mailing my project advisor, checking the blackboard postings for my RETELL class, and finishing rubrics and lesson plan reports for both classes.  For my final project of my masters I'm researching the effect of rubrics on the writing of young students, and this is an awesome excuse to make Pinterest a legitimate part of doing homework (RESEARCH OF COURSE).  I wanted to crash on the couch, but it did feel good to be accomplished.

...rethinking.  This weird thing has been happening to me, and I don't really have the right words to describe it, which gets really frustrating.  It's the tiniest change in mindset that is helping me get through my days with so much less angst, and that's saying a lot for this dramatic overthinker.  Basically, in the morning, I picture my whole day as a kind of one-time-only commitment. Old work day= 1. wake up and grumble to work 2. get to work and grumble through work 3. get home and get ready for the next day of grumbling.  New weekday= wake up, have coffee, evaluate different roles that day.  Some teaching, some obligations (appointments, phone calls, etc), some chores, some writing, maybe a playdate, maybe a haircut.  I think my old way of thinking was too cut and dry, so IT IS MONDAY A WORK DAY I WORK AND THAT IS ALL I DO.  If things go badly at work, my day sucked and can't be fixed.  This gives me a chance to be successful somewhere WORK WAS TOUGH BUT WE HAD A GREAT LIBRARY TRIP AND I DID A LOAD OF LAUNDRY SO TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER PLUS I'M AWESOME. I also feel better about being a working mama when I keep the mama part in that title as important as the working part, and honor that during the week, too.  I think most people naturally think that way, but it's been revolutionary for me.

...loving the myfitnesspal app, picking out presents for my little nephew, gathering summer gear for the trip Elliott and I are taking to Florida, Madeline L'Engle books, my daily breakfast, professional development days, my new organizational pad from etsy, tattoo plans, face cleansing wipes (LAZY FOREVER), and dreaming of outdoor adventure.

*I borrowed the idea of at the moment posts from yourwishcake- her blog is a do not miss. 

at the moment I'm... no. 5

pictures from our first family trip on the T last weekend

grateful...that everyone is sleeping and it's almost 6 am.  It's been weeks since this morning time was private.  It's a toss up because I do love the extra snuggle I can get when Elliott wakes up early or Milo staggers out asking for milk before his eyes are even open, but this quiet time feeds me.   

sad...that vacation is over.  This would be a no-brainer except I am normally very desperate for our routine and I don't think I've ever gotten to the end of a summer or vacation and not been very excited to get back.  I was kind of startled on Sunday night when I realized I would miss being home with the boys.  Maybe it was because no one was sick this time, or because work stress is more ramped up than I ever remember it being, but I could have gone a few more weeks playing stay-at-home mama.  That's why I'm lucky to be a teacher- April vacation isn't too far away.

dreaming...of the summer.  For obvious reasons, and also because I really want to get into more "homeschool" kind of activities with the boys.  I'm watching Milo's language explode, and I want to capitalize on this spongy period.  Last summer we did theme weeks, and I'm hoping to maybe do color weeks this summer?  Or a week of colors, a week of shapes, a week of numbers, a week of letters.  I also want to ask around and see if any other local families want to come over once a week, just circle time and a craft?  I can't think of anything better.

proud...of my Sunday night food prep.  It took me three hours to food shop, plan, chop, cook, and bag things this week, but all of it was time saving.  I chopped and bagged up five days of veggies for Ben and I for lunches, bagged five days of popcorn for Ben and Milo for lunches, bagged Ben's lunch snacks (I put a cheese stick, fruit snacks, granola bar, and veggies all in one bag to make it easy for him to run out the door) prepped five containers of hummus for lunches, shredded a rotissere chicken, drained and rinsed beans, chopped two heads of broccoli, made a dozen egg and ham breakfast muffins, roasted a pan of sweet potato wedges, cooked a huge pot of a rice, and made a huge pot of chicken vegetable soup.  It seems like overkill, but when I get home from work at 4:20, I have to pack four lunches and have dinner on the table by 6:00.  Add in that I usually want to play with the boys or do some little art project, and I have so little time.  If you're thinking that I should pack lunches after they go to bed, please understand that on a MAJORITY of the nights of the week, by the time Ben gets home, I am very close to falling asleep on the floor with my nose in The Little Blue Truck.

At the moment I'm still rested from our February break and not yet exhausted from being back in the swing of work and classes.  It's only Tuesday, but I'll take it for now.  

*I borrowed the idea of at the moment posts from yourwishcake- her blog is a do not miss. 

at the moment I'm...no. 4

...excited that my blog was just accepted to Top Baby Blogs!  If you like this place, you can vote daily to show your support.  The more votes we get, the higher we rise on this list of "family" blogs.  It's good exposure, and I feel a little geeky thrill because it's where I first found a lot of the people who inspired me to start blogging myself.  I also feel a little strange asking for votes, but I'm exploring making a side career out of my writing, and this is one of the things to try.  If you're interested in voting, you can click here or on the icon in my side bar.  Wish me luck!

...fighting a cold.  Like Meg-Ryan-in-You've-Got-Mail, gave-up-homeopathic-and-pumped-full-of-chemicals, entirely-different-tone-of-voice caliber cold.  I know it got it from the babies, and I feel terribly that they've been dealing with this for a week.  I'm moody and all I want to do is eat donuts and sleep, but I really need to save my sick time for sick children, and Ben is working this Saturday, so I'm still on duty.  I've been finding solace in tons of natural honey-based cough syrup and Target brand dayquil.

...battling a funk.  Winter funks get me every time.  Luckily, I caught this one when I found myself reevaluating my entire life and planning my escape from teaching and imagining a completely different existence where I...weave rugs, or some shit.  I realized that I was not unhappy with my job or my future.  Just my month.  Things that make me feel better include: making the bed, packing lunches and cleaning up from dinner before sitting down on the couch, drinking tons of water, and spending extra time reading.  Ironically, my funk makes me want to do NONE of these things.  It's a beast.

...indulging in an extra dose of social media.  I've found that I really love representing myself on Instagram.  When I take the time to capture things beyond just my kids, (even though they're still featured stars) I get more excited about those parts of my life where I could use some extra motivation.  I spend a lot of time in my life picking out books for my children, my students, and myself.  Sharing them on  Instagram gives a better picture of who I am in my feed.  Same goes for the energy I put into planning meals and doing a family dinner, even when it's just the boys and I at night.  I've stopped feeling defensive when people say, "Pictures only get shared for praise and feedback.  People are looking for external validation."  DUH.  Why else are we sharing pictures and sharing our life?  Because feedback feels good.  It helps me celebrate what I love and commiserate when things are hard.  I have more thoughts about the backlash against social media, but for now, I'm just Instagramming away.

(I borrowed the idea of at the moment posts from yourwishcake- her blog is a do not miss.) 

at the moment I'm... no. 3

...happy to be back into our routine.  If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, you know it was getting bad near the end there.  We were home for two days (plus the weekend) longer than expected, we were sick and snowed in for the majority of that time, and I was not a gracious mama.  The first day back at work, I was giddy, my students were angelic, and when I picked the kids up at daycare, all the babies were grinning and laughing and dancing around with glee.  I think most of us are creatures of routine, and we were glowing.

...a LITTLE behind with our word of the year.  Moving isn't coming super naturally, which is why it's our word in the first place.  This weekend Ben and I started getting closer to agreeing on a location, and we talked about getting in touch with people to take steps to list the house.  As far as bodies, I've been to the gym once (see: snow storm, sickness) and have played in the living room more with the kids, but I need to figure out how to get the boys moving more on a typical day.  Indoor play places need to be hit, too.

...sweetly sad that Elliott turns one in under a week.  My tiny baby is a toddler.  I keep thinking about this week a year ago.  I remember being stressed about appointments and gestational diabetes and low fluid levels and having no clue how much my life was about to change.  We're having a special breakfast for him on Tuesday morning, and a little party in a few weekends.

...proud of Milo's words and communication.  Over the past few weeks, I've noticed him really shifting from answering questions or describing his toys to telling us stories about things that happen.  When I got home from work last night, Ben was playing trains with the boys in the living room.  Milo started telling me about the train situation at  daycare, "Beeeg tunnuls, Mama.  Bocks.  Nise! Choo choos, Jakie, tunnuls."  Which means they made big tunnels with blocks at Miss. Denise's house, and that Jakie played, too.  At dinner, we asked him questions about different things that happened at school, and we found out who had and had not peed or pooped on the potty.  It seems small, especially when kids his age are often saying so much more, but it's a huge difference from where he was even a few months ago, at his last evaluation.  It's also a glimpse of a different place in parenting, chatting with a kid over the dinner table, telling knock knock jokes and explaining how the quesadilla maker works.  That's something to look forward to.